dohgirl

 so I started to make my second attempt I got a food calorie calculator
my first attempt was to take off the games on facebook. and man oh man i didn't realized how much time i had on my hands.

I read Ephesians chapter 1 today and then fell asleep.
I ate so much today ( very unhealthy) its was probably around my goal of calorie intake 2000
Decided to watch cable tv on my father in law's flat screen and watch Dirty Jobs the one episode with Milking Camels but the one with the tofu got me excited.

around 6am I woke up from a stomach pain. I was really bloated and I felt a lil nauseated... I took some tiger balm from my medicine cabinet and rubbed it on my belly. It went away after I fell asleep didn't wake up till early noon. 
I made spaghetti and ground beef the other night and I think that made my stomach funny. 

I thought about cuting red meat a few months back but i love it so much!
watching how they made tofu on the show made me hungry.  I want to change the way I feel about myself and I know that God wants me to first change on what my intakes are.  I've decided that the next 30 days I will replace red meat to tofu.  I will still eat chicken and fish. I'm not practicing to be a vegetarian. ( well at least not yet anyways)  Tofu by itself can be plain but the taste is tolerable. It can be adjusted to taste to anything you want. Like with spices and sauces (bbq, soysauces, etcs)

they are cheap I find them at albertsons, food 4 less, raplhs, and fresh and easy for less then 2 dollars sometimes theyre even a buck!

Im hoping this is my third attempt into change. 
Elijah that boy is getting quicker and his schemes of walking and crawling he is quick!

I know I haven't been the perfect person to myself especially to the people I love.
Last week I was In Oc to spend the week Pumpkin Craving.  My Mom, sis, and niece drove to Cerritos to  get the H1n1 swine flu vaccine shot. I had to be the respectful wife to my husband and reject it.  My sister Gina urged it for my baby and me but I had to stand on David's decision.  David feels uncomfortable with vaccinations and chemical that messes up the body, yet we get dependent on it.  He rants on 50 years ago we didn't have to do these kinds of stuff and our body was fine the way God created it, but much dieases and flu virus wasn't around then.  Till thi day he gets mad at me for taking Elijah to get his immunization shots every few months!  It's required by the states and getting around for Elijah to get his Wic, Social Security, and maybe public  school will be difficult without that piece of yellow paper.
My parents been talking to me about goiing back to school, because now with Elijah in my life I can still maintain.  Theire pov is for me to work and take elijah to daycare.  Gina (a single mom)  insist that if anything happens to David ( i leave him or he dies suddenly) I need something to fall back on.  Not only that I would give Elijah something to be proud of when he grows older.  But would I be robbing the time away from Elijah if I am successful at what I'm doing and he grows up confused by other influence and disrespect his household?  The little time that we have might be taken awayby hello conversations and what did you do today at school?  I lose both ways..
This whole Summer I've wasted my times on facebook playing games. Let's see there were farmville, restuarant city, Country Story, pet society, school of wizardry, and etcs.  Elijah's gets more demanding when I'm on the laptop. He makes me angrry when I'm in a middle of harvesting my crops.  He comes and taps on the board and then closes the notebook  on me and sometimes he presses on buttons an closed the Internet Explorer.  THESE GAMES ARE ADDICTING! There easy and I just got to get to the next level and by the time I realized the day is half over I feel empty because I didn't do much and accomplish.  I was robbing my time for being a stay at home mom away from my son an especially God.

My sandals church has been preaching on the book of genesis and on November 1st Pastor matt preached on the 6th day GOd made us in his image. He gave a great illustration on the way we view ourselves in th mirror every morning.    He had a mirror on stage and describe that every morning we tell ourself that we won't mount to anything, we can't do what GOd says we are, no confidence in life, why go on?  He said growing up he was in a poor neighboorhood so he would always represent where he is from.  When people are scared they like to tell people where they grew up because that's who they are so they caused a fight and the someone gets hurt or shot.  But Mattt says we don't look way way way back and far enogh to know that we belong to God.  We see darkness in us and negative and act like animals an behave that way. I think of myself as a lame, stupid, lazy, uneducated fool.  I do believe in that lie so much that I hate to live it.  Its not until Matt took a hammer and smashed the glass.  Inside the mirror the word "GOD" was in it .  God was in the image all along and through my mirror I couldn't see him.  I am so blind with looks because I felt the pressure of what people think of me especially my family. 
For   a long time I've finally come back to common sense and I know it wasn't them. It was me.  I have to stop pitying myself of my failures.  I have to stop making christianity a bandaid so  I can hide and eat in the corner.  The body I wanted for the longest time is mine and I can't just have the body of britney spears if I don't know how to take care of my own.  I look at other beautiful people with respect because I think they know how to get it together, the truth is I don't have any for this temple that belongs to God. I am so busy at looking at people and believing I will never get that way and I want I want I want! and look at myself to find nothing.  This is really hard for me. I know that I need counseling for this but at the same time I know this is a healing issue and this is a spiritual battle. It always comes back to trusting in GOd and giving up my time.  It's so hard becaus all i want to do in th morning is sleep.  Its hard because I rather be on facebook or watch a dvd either then to read.  but i took the first step to unsubscribe those games on facebook. 
you know how some people go on through life still figuring out who they are and are confused.. that always makes me mad because how can they be confuse?  I know that I am a mom now.  I am a wife. And if I fit onto that catergory I better commit myself in that role.  Taking care of my family is expected of me.  No more games.  I can't go around wishing I am 17 again.  Wanting cool friends, but this time around I've made bestfriends (Yes tricia thats  you!) and closer friends and sister friends.

and gosh with school and going for my career will come. man I wish I can get it right with God is the challenege of my life close to my career choice.  I just want to forget about my sadness and anger and focus on someone else for once

.amazing i didn't think id ever be back here jotting down my thoughts..

its been way too long Elijah is turning one next month.
alot has changed
.   
i been on facebook and updated pictures of elijah and my events on that lately.. but tonight i feel intimate and I want to blog

let's see oh yea I don't work for disney anymore. I'm a stay at home mom now.
So far this year I've attended four weddings.. feb. two in august which includes my friend liz and my sis tammy.  and my bff in july..

next month we're flying to oklihomie (oklahoma) lol.. for David's bestfriend's wedding..
my best friend tricia is getting married in january and she asked me to be a bridesmaid.. :D i'm very excited about that..

now i wished I had a wedding reception.. it's not the fact that i get to dress up all nice and goo ga.. its the reason of seeing how the groom is so willing to go through so much for that day to make his bride happy.. i don't care about the ring, till this day i am still wearing a silver ring (not diamond or carrot).. give them something to celebrate our love.. just like the prom i never had.. i like an album to look back on or something to look at.. i told david perharps i should photoshop someone's elses wedding and paste my face in it and make it like a fairy all expensive wedding haha.. but he just frowned..
we been together forr five years! david kinda agreed to do a 10year anniversary reception.. here's hoping! i've already picked out the colors it will be blue and brownn let's just hope i still like those colors in five years..!

going wedding dress shopping with tricia made it look easier to buy a dress in my size.. she's going to look so beautiful that day!!

we've moved out onto our apartment and moved back with my father in law in June.
he was layed off at work and he asked us if we wanted to stay here by rent to help himout and vice versa

i had to work at disney 5 days a week during the summer. Now with elijah in our lifes it was difficult because i couldn't see my husband most of the day he would work in the morning and i would work at night. finding a baby sitter was hard..and it bugged me when i didn't have the money to pay espeically to my family, nana, and my father in law.. i was really unhappy when i went to church.. the more i worked with the nigh crew at tlt the more i felt away from my husband (btw i haven't had my period for months) Most of the guest whom I helped I was attracted to! I was unhappy but I knew we had to pay the bills.. I hated it because driving out there didn't help with the gas and somehow the bank was still overdrafted!!  I felt stuck I am a mother and a wife to my family. i felt labeled and it frustrates me because my husband doesn't understand.. while the short time i was at church there was a voice inside me to tell me to quit Disney.. .. sure that sound great and all but.. I struggle this for at least 2months.. that voice told me to trust him.. i don't .. I didn't want to quit back in June that's why  i unquit last minute..
Tricia gave me a better prospective because I was so burnt out with purpose but she focus my heart on what's more important.. i love her!
so i talked to my husband about what God has been telling me.. and I told him that I ratherbe broke happy then working miserably overdrafted..  my husband agreed but disagreed... i was still fighting God until david gave me the ok..-- so so my last day at disney was august 16 i think.. no regrets.. at least now i don't have to worry about people and they're friends wanting me to get them in for free..i do miss getting free passes and discount.. i don't miss the driving though.. i look back now and its okay to miss it.. i wondered if I'll be able too remeber why i quit in the first place so i do'nt have to go back and find out why i left..that's what happened in 2007 when I was working at vons.. and yeah and now i'm jobless!I

elijah.. has been my highlight.. it feels good to have a purpose.. he is.. mine..
i love seeing him grow but i think the favorite age in his first year is 5 months.. I enjoyed him smiling .. when i called his name.. and changing his diapers wasn't so bad..he had no teethh and didn't fall off the bed.. he didn't crawl either..

now he's biting.. falls off the bed due to excitement or clumsiness.. just today he got down from the bed and followed me to the kitchen and crawled upstairs.. he gives me 5seconds ahead to change his diaper.. digs his claws into me when he's nursing.. and oh yeah he pinches at the same time.. he ate cat food.. he smear poop on his face one time when he took off his diaper.. and there were many times when his diaper explodes..

a year ago i didn't want to think about poop because I was having many hangovers from pregnancy..i'm glad i don't feel that way anymore because after over  60hours of  labour i can basically do diapers on my will power.

oh how much i enjoy just being home with him.. I''m glad he wants me..
I'm very glad all of my family loves elijah and he's such a good baby..
in the meantime david and i have been shopping at sam's so we get food in bulks etcs..
i been cooking dinner at night and david loves it! i love it too because I get to find recipes online and make it come to life!
i' m finding myself occupy with games.. now that i'm at home.. I want to go and volunteer for church..
i'll have alot of time to figure out how to control my eating habits..and help with organizing..I want to start scrapbooking on the materials that I have and print out pictures.. i'm thinking of going back to avon.. let's hope so!

yes its is midnight and my baby boi is asleep!!

its been so great!! if i knew having a baby would make this happy then i shouldnt have  doubted God in the first place..

my christmas has been such a blessing. i've notice the last few years they have tried to replace "happy holidays" instead of "merry christmas" they say  christmas is politically incorrect.... but anways more and more people are saying it now ... even my friends are too.. they don't want to "offend" other people... (-_-)

anyways 2 in a half month has gone by since my elijah has been born.. it kills me everytime i check the mail and there goes more debts in the hospital industry that we owe... on top of that my internet/cable/phone has been turned off..
I don't know how we are going to do this I want to be devoted to my son and be there for him full time.. i should return back to work in the middle of next month.  I decided to go part time at disneyland but in the meantime I will have to find a sitter. I know with the weird weather everyone has been sick and most can't find the time to babysit my elijah like they say they would.. all of this confustion.. and money.. and blah blah blah.. how do i cope?
 
by breastfeeding...... ahhhhh ... yes the endorphins its a sensational feeling it really calms me down and i enjoy my baby drinking from me hee hee hee- its kinda sexy . in a way it humbles me because i can take care of my son

so after 1month my paid family leave check finally came in and it was kinda big and i took some of that money and bought myself a new digital camera for a hundred dollar... somewhat i think we deserve it but not entirely..   we took many pictures of elijah and christmas and all!!!!   and now i can't find it!

anyways we had a tiny christmas tree as big as elijah on our dinning table this year.. David and I saw a christmas play at the Vineyard Church in Yorba Linda.. we went to Harvest ( Greg Laurie's Church in riverside) on sunday the music and message was awesome and on Christmas eve as well.. Christmas eve we went over at my mother in law's house and christmas morning we went over to my father in laws house, in the later afternoon his grandmothers house, and in the evening to my mom's in O.C.

We had great presents. I just hope my in laws didn't go broke buying us presents.  I got what I wanted a swing set for Elijah and a new Vaccum cleaner :) and plus I bought a new digital camera for myself and my husband.

Anyways despite of the presents I was really greatful and undeserving. This was a special christmas because it was Elijah's first.  All of this talk of Baby Jesus in a manger and carols.  Listening to the radio while they play christmas songs about the manger and how pure and great God is.  The fact that he came into this world and was born as saviour of the world was the beginning of christmas.  I never embraced the whole subjected until I gave birth to elijah.  I can now see how precious it is to have a pure and innocent person in my arms.  How Mary pondered in her heart that this precious baby has a calling on him.  This baby whom name Yeshua was to die for man kind. Oh if it was me the pain of a mother would be broken..   but... Jesus was not hers he was God's.  Soon and not long my boy will grow up and will grow away from me for he is God's.

We went to Costa Mesa calvary chapel this last sunday to see the screening of Greg Laurie's Book  " Lost boy" it was an added chapter..... after the death of his 33 year old son Christopher Laurie was killed in an automobile accident 3weeks before the crusades.. it is every parents nightmare to lose their child and I know it was so hard for Greg to accept it and move on for his son is at a better place.. and love and trust God more in these times for it did strengthen him
he had a hard life before he became a christian.. his mother had 7 failed marriages and she was always drinking.. Greg didn't know what was his purpose in life was so he would draw and escape from reality. He did drugs during the hippie movement..all these bad things were happening in his life but God was still able to take a lost boy and turn him around to live for God..
I look at my life and its nothing and no where compared to Greg....and yet I feel as though I am a bad seed that doesn't grow.. I am scared to death on witnessing to others because I fear for my own feelings..


the more and more I pray and spend time at church during service..  I have this huge desire to quit disneyland to become a full time mom.. but why God? we have credit cards, hospital bills, er bills, gas, electricity, t-mobile .... and free passes to disney!
about 1 month ago I was at KFC with elijah in Riverside and surprisingly a divine appointment I ran into one the elders of Calvary Capel Corona.. we talked about my finical problems and he shared with me about his job.  He told me up straight that the role of the husband should provide for the family and that I should be a stay at home mom.  He knows this because He had once had a family before and now a divorce man at 60 and now a born again christian.  He said he wasted alot of time working at a jobsite that didn't pay him enough and he worked his way up to be a manager just to later be replaced .  Time wasted with his children and he missed most of their lives.  He believes I should be a full time mom up until the kid is 5 years old.  Basically He admitted David should beef up and find a better job that pays well..
Every week the offering bucket is passed and I am thinking to myself I barely have 5 dollars in my bank. I hope that my husband writes a check from his bank so we'd be covered for heaven.  i get so selfish.. while i was wrestling with God about quitting sometimes this year I questioned him " How will we pay for our bills?"
I feel the Lord was saying " Trust me, in these finical times it will give you a reason to be disciplined.  You were still in debt when you were working and you didn't take control over it. So how's it going for you?"
and then I thought about Elijah......... i love him so much.. no one can take care of him like i do..

i am still wrestling with this because my husband is really doubting this subject and he still thinks i should get a part time job.. i do agree for the most part I should go back to work just for a few months..
in the beginning of this year my plan was work till september then go on disability after having the baby in october i'll be on family leave and when january comes along then i go back to work.... well.. this whole year already went by and elijah is going on 3months... i didn't really think ahead of whats going to happen.


wow its almost new years eve.. i am getting really tired and i need to catch some zZzZz's and nurse my baby hee hee hee.. if I don't blog before the end of this year- Happy New Year!!!

love this lil baby boy....

no i wasn't harrassing my boy..


my baby boy is now a lil over 2months
I went to the pediatrician last monday he is 12.8 lbs and 23 in a half inches! that's almost 2 feet tall!

He makes me really happy and I love him so much! everyone says he's pretty do you think??




some october pictures



november pictures



this is my favorite picture


december pictures
 (so far)





hehe he looks like a outdoor decoration gnome :D


yes in other news.. in november we had mice in our apartment it wasn't until at the end of november it brought to my attention that the mices had left mice droppings in elijah's playpen/crib!! so I had to brought to their attention again about mices in my apartment. He sent trapps in the corner of my apartment. They were the sticky pads trap that are glue so the mouse would get stuck to the traps. Lil did I know a day later We caught the mouse.. ... man it was either a rat or a fat mouse with a long tail




gross huh? it was ratatouille all over again

i hate bills.. i love to eat and go out and buy lil foo foo stuff.... but sometimes there are situations I can't control like emergencys and debts.. hospitals especially in the situation of elijah and insurance stuff...too much hospital bills there in the 10,000s...  My dumb credit says i am always overlimit and they charge me so much while I'm trying to do my best to pay their damn fees!!!

i feel out of control as though it is the reason why I choose not to be the person I want to be

i can go on about the finicial economy right now but bull its not affecting us.. its just the fact that we have credit cards, and hospital bills...we did this to ourselves...

i'm sad because i'll have to choose to work and be away from my son.. david works so hard but yet it doesn't feel like we don't make enough!  i'm not finicially secure.. i'm sad.. i'm really really sad...
everyone struggles with money.. everyone!!   i wish my husband would stand up and help me feel secure..
i don't know if david is willing to change unless I say something.. he's so clueless.. he needs a beating before he realizes that I'm not happy.. who am I to judge he's stressing out as well.. I don't want to feel as though I'm in charge but when I do I fall apart.. what am i talking about! my husband is just like me :( we like to spend on lil nick nacks

I look at the families who had just losted their homes in the fire.. I should be bless with where I am..
They've losted everything and to think some might not have had insurance for their homes.
Tonight where are they going to sleep?

There must be a better way.. My way of life..
what am I doing??
should someone look right through me and figure this situation out??
is it that simple?

My Pastor at sandals church has been speaking about the love of money..  on many occasion.. and still i didn't get the hint.. you either love money or God.. can't choose both
in my case I am locked away from the person I want to be because money is the source that makes me worry about not making it through the day..   the thought of paying off debts and not getting charge over draft.. instead of the thought of self surrender to offer my ten percent..
Giving some money away this christmas so someone else can be fed a warm meal this christmas..
while I'm sitting here trying to feed myself when there's plenty of food in the fridge to feed my family..

haha funny story I had an appointment last week at WIC (women infants and children) last week to see if we were qualified for food. Our yearly income was over qualified and apparently David is making good money! She had to try 3 times to take his wage and estimate the net gross and guess what we were qualified but we were almost over by 45 dollars..where is this money going? oh yeah living...
but I was so glad that we don't have to pay for milk, eggs, juice, carrots, and cereal for a whole year..I get more cheese/milk/tuna just for breastfeeding!

well the phone services has already shut off the house phone. about next week a t & t will shut off our cable and internet..  gas company already send in a shut off notice and the payment is due this friday.. electricity was due today.. t-mobile is due next week..  and these are just the general bills we have to pay..
should i not care? oh well what if I get a late notice..  what if i get an overdraft fee.. it won't affect me.. so what if my credit scores go down..

I'm thinking about money again!!  ugh.............. and the dream of me being a stay at home mom is impossible :(
with everyone struggling with money David and I dn't ask our family to help out with our finanices..
its not right.. it is kind of embarrasing.. I get so overwhelm when I look into our bills I just fall apart..
I would like to ask our church to help us out and give us a budget but the truth is I'm scared.. i think We won't go with the process..I really need my husband to be the head of this household and help me to be strong but I feel so fragile..
when I pray and ask God for help I don't talk to him like I should.. I always put on a burden face and assume he already knows.. I know this is chapter in my life I would have to learn and have strength .. the miracle is learning and changing.. but     i just goes blank because I feel stupid that I haven't understood anything..

Spending time with my son has block reality away.. because he is my reality.. I don't want to put this on him..
I can't believe I would have to be away from him while I'm making money away from his presences..
he has given me so much joy.. its true everytime i am frustrated i just look at him and the sadness goes away.. its scary because i need him more than I need my own husband.. :(  I know my husband is trying really hard. finicially and being a dad at the same time..
gosh it is getting late and i hear my son calling for me in the bedroom..

I woke up this morning at 2:30am alert for my son's feeding... while he was almost done feeding I started to feel cramps along the right side of my stomach...   I thought it might be contractions. I tried to ignore it but it wouldn't go away.. it was unusual because usually cramps go will go away and come back but this pain was there to stay.
I went online and pulled up information about intense cramps while nursing but nothing was seem to be fact.
I took a bath.. I drank plenty of water.. I couldn't go back to sleep!! and it was already 4am in the morning!!
Im also suffering form hermoids as well my son woke up at 4;30am and I fed him again this time he fell asleep quick but I had a hard time to cope.
I called up one of the asistant midwives and she told me she doesn't know what it might be but to contact my doctor... the pain started right after I nursed my son!! So I couldn't deal with the pain no more and decided that this might be something else I might need to go to the E.R.
I woke my husband up and I pleaded to go to the hospital at 6am.  I ran to the bathroom and threw up last night's dinner and some colace I took for my bowel movement (due to the hermeroids) I thought for sure after I vomitted the pain decreased but I was wrong..
My husband drove me to the parkview hospital in the E.R. with our son and I had to file some paper work before they took me in.. finally after what seems like 30min I was admitted.  They had me lay on a bed and the doctor asked me some questions and ask me where my pain was. He pressed my stomach and asked me where the pain hurts most.
He got an idea of what it might beand said " You have a GallBladder. I'm give you pain medications (thank GOD!!) and you will be hooked up to an I.V. and we will run an ultrasound on you"
surely enough I was hooked up by needles and machines.. but I didn't care I wanted the meds!! I was cold after the I.V. was inserted in my wrist. I had woken up at 2:30am eversince and it was 6:45 i think or 7 The meds didn't kick in yet and I was disappointed.. when I finally fell asleep..!! WHen the nurses woke me up the pain on the side of my stomach went away!! An ultrasound technician took me to a room and run some test on my stomach and took a few pictures of my bladder..
10minutes went by and she was done. I was wheeled back to the bed and dosed off for another 30minutes.  THe doctor woke me up and he said after seeing the test and results and my sympton he acknowledge me that I have had Gallstones in my Gallbladder and that I might of had it for a few years back. Just now taking affect. He also said that I had a urine infection.  So I have to stay away from junk food... He said I might have to see a surgeon.
prescribed me 3 different meds.. great on top of that I'm nursing my son I don't want to drug him!!  I know I'm not superwoman.. I know our bodys are fragile.. I just felt superb after I had Elijah as though I can conquer anything!
I guess now I have a reason to take care of myself and for my new family..

we were going to my mother in law's house to give out candies to the trick or treaters but my husband decided to stay overtime to do a job that was needed on monday :(.... so I bought this cute shirt for elijah at the 99 cent store ... i figured this will be the only time he'll be wearing it so i took a picture .. isn't he cute? this shirt is for 3-6months babies.. my boy is 3weeks old and he fits it well .. i told you he was long!!
Elijah is crying and pulling out while i nurse him.. its frustrating me!!
I'm going to try my best to find out whats wrong and do more reading to make him more comfy

so we took elijah home about 2 weeks ago on wednesday i'm so glad he's home!
my life has changed i hope for the better. he was such a great kid..
didn't fuss much. .. It took awhile to breastfeed him.
I thought I lost the mother and baby bonding due to the fact that he's been in the hospital for 1 week..
but my son has been so willing to suck and i know he's trying.. and soon enough after 2 days after the hospital
success!!! I thought I was going to pump for the rest of my life!
 aweek later we took him to the pediatrician to get him circumsized.. my poor boy..  he became very fussy and cried almost everytime i change his diaper.  many sleepless nights if i'm lucky i can get at least 3 hours of sleep in a roll before i have to wake up and feed him and sometimes at 3am it takes him at least 45minutes to go back to sleep.....ZZzZzzz  waking up sure is a pain when the boy is crying for food.. see its a sacafirce because i'm denying sleep to take care of another person ... but man oh man its been 3 weeks and i been busy just attaining to the boy.. and its been fast!!!
There was no need to run C.T. scans, cats scans, MRI tests on him.. he's not  a premi! he's gaining weight and he very alert i can believe he stayed in the hospital a week long because they put him on antibiotics. He doesn't have "special needs".

my life as of now.. if i'm lucky i can find time to post an entry.. shhhh he's asleep right now..
i feed him every 2-4 hours .. he is 21inches long i'm very surprise how long he is!!
my sisters and mom has been coming out once everyweek to riverside to see Elijah..
my mom has been calling me almost everyday nonstop about taking care of myself........
let's just say its oldwives tells i believe but its truth to the vietnamese cultural..
asians are always comparing themselves with other races and they always think they're better..
at least that's the impression i always get from my parents... I also know its good intentions..
but i'm vietnamese and proud to be an american!! and my son is caucasion and vietnamese!!

anyways everytime he's crying I get really frustrated but when he calms down he makes me feel good.
i look into his eyes and I can't believe I went through a long labor for him.. everytime i feed him I am satisfied.
he looks just like me and I am amazed that God created him using my body to form him. He's very precious, being a mother is such a natural thing.. That's why Im glad I had him natural..I was in labor for 68hours and it was the most painful experienced that i've ever experienced.... i felt i was matyred and i had died to myself... I thought about Jesus in the last hours...  While I was waiting in pain and contractins were close together I didn't know how long I would have to suffer the contractions it seemed endless and I didn't know when Elijah was going to come out... and then I thought Jesus upon his crucificion... I was looking forward to push a baby out.. Jesus was looking forward to be beaten and spit on.. whipped with the cat of nine tails.. carried our cross and hanged up in a tree..
not only that he was looking forward to die.. i can't complain about my part of the bargain..

i love elijah i can't believe someone like him wants me.. he makes me feel better as a person because I want to be and I have to be.. I feel as though I am his provider. At least I allow it.. but I'm the only person he needs most right now in his life and it feels really good

he is doing better!
Everyday its a great progress!! they've lower his i.v. and oxygen. On friday they took off the saliva tube out of his mouth and yesterday they took the breathing tube off of his nose so he's breathing on his own all together!! He's still on the I.V. and antibiotics and the nurses said once he's done with that it looks like he should be alright to take him home!! OH yes and they've lowered his I.V. and he's eating more. I finally made sweet milk on saturday and I been feeding him and pumping. We're bonding more but we still need practice with the nursing part. Now that the tube is off his face I can fully see how much he looks like me.
Once he is out of the hospital David and I can start taking care of his paper work! Thank you GUys for your prayers!!!

after long hours of labor and pain Elijah Daniel Doherty was born on wednesday night at 7:56pm.
on Oct 8
Unfornately his cord was around his neck too tight he wasn't breathing on his own. He had a pulse and a heartbeat of 150 but he wasn't breathing. The midwives gave him an inhaler for air. My midwife called the firemen just in case. They came within 3minutes to the birthing center and took over. The firemen gave him more of the inhaler ( which was what the midwives were doing) did got him to breathe and he jerked he finally was pink but then took him away from my presences. I had to recovered from pushing out my placenta and from bleeding while my husband and my son was taken away to the hospital.

He's now at the Pomona Valley hospital since wednesday night in the NICU. He was breathing pretty hard on his own and his heart rate was high after 2 hours of rest that night I was able to be by his side. David and I want to stay with him all night but my body needs to be in bed. He should be in my arms at home right now and I should be breastfeeding. Instead he's hooked up to a machine, IV's, and scanning tests :(... He's doing better everytime We visit him though. He's breathing so much better on his own.
I hate hospitals!!!

I apologized that I haven't answer calls but it was a long process and birth. We don't really have time to answer everyone and that we ask for your prayers and support. We are recovering emotionally away from our son and his situation right now so please respect our privacy. We'll update some more when he's home safe in my arms and healthy.


He's beautiful and he looks like me.... he's 8lbs and 20inch long.. I can't wait to bring him home!!

well its been months since i last updated.
the last 3 months felt as though it dragged along.
I questioned myself if I could've survived this summer working in TOONtown..
but strangely enough it wasn't too hot this summer..

So my marriage group ended. I was surprised because I was looking forward to getting closer with this group but.. its not my timing it was God.
This whole summer I felt disconnect with myself and the baby.
Oh yes the self pityness came back to haunt me as a person.
I had stop going to church for at least 2 months.

Nothing special about this overweight girl gaining at least 2 lbs a week to nourish her baby.
DId I mention David and I got a midwife?
At least in her presence since she is a christian focused on my health and what I should be eating for the baby's sake. I felt special. I wanted to feel important when the baby comes.

My older sister got married on August 8 of 2008 (8/8/08) Missed it because she wanted to get marry in the morning while trying to beat most of the supersicious people early in court to get their license signed and married away.  The next week my sisters gathered a baby shower for my dear son on saturday. It was a great shower. It was suppose to be a surprised but they couldn't gather alot of my friends from the L.A. area and O.C. so I had to personally ask them to come. At least 15 people came. IT was co-ed. The games were great. FOod was great and it was lovely to see my old friends again. 
My four great friends from high school surprised me with a little baby shower  at the olive garden 2 days before the actual baby shower. Tricia had lied to me lol. She told me she had been lying to me all week. Haha Bless her heart. I was surprise to find my friend Sandy in the car when Tricia had picked me up.  Whe we got to the resturant Tricia told the waitress they're will be a table for 6 people.  Then I knew that my friend Linny, and Kelsey were coming ( Kelsey's husband came too!!)
I wanted to cry that moment. My friends did care about me having a baby.

(you can skip through this paragraph its just mumurs and rants)

Coming along all week and month I been lingering how will it change once Elijah is going to be here.  I was trying to feel better about myself. I desparately wanted to be on Maturnity Leave already!!  I been getting contractions that harden my stomach. I was scared of painful contractions. Giving birth still felt like a myth to me. I been doing a little reading on births and watching movies. Going thru labor looks  hard and painful but it doesn't have to be treated as though the mother is sick and needs to be treated with drugs.  I believe God design our bodies to do its things and in most cases I do agree its necessary for last minute C-section ( in case of emergency).  No I don't want to hear your painful hard experiences during birth and how bad it was when you were tied up to the bed and drug was the only way for the baby to come out.  My friend had two hospital experiences with hospital birth and she decided to go natural with her third one.  She was so comforted in her own home in the birth pool while her fiance was there by her side. Yes, the contractions did hurt but it was managable.  Her babyboy came out looking at her while she had her hands and feet on the pool. She tore a little bit. When the mother tares the skin around the vaginal gets numb so she doesn't even feel it.  But most importantly she was able to bond with her new son right then and there. She had a new experience about herself and her life.  She's not tired or wanting the baby away from her.  Instead in the past with her previous births she had to recover from days after the epidural was given to her to relieve the contractions. She couldn't bond with her newborn and had aches a pain from a drug that was suppose to relieve her for the "moment" .  I'm not saying that happens to everyone so please don't argue with me in this situation. I'm just saying this from my friend's experience. I know alot of people who can say scientificly anything can go wrong. But how can you argue (if your a male) that its not possible if you have had a baby before.

okay on with me

I think it was about 2weeks after my baby shower in the O.C. I had spend the night over at my parents house and I had a 7am shift on tuesday. My little sister couldn't drive me to work because she was really tired. My mom had asked my dad to drive me to work and of course i hesistated.  While on my way to work my dad was quiet but then he had to tell me how he felt.  It started out something like this (in vietnamese but I will translate)
" I don't know if you get embarrassed, but when you walk down the street I do.  You need to keep your image and body skinny. You didn't go to school. Your making a few bucks an hour just so that you can live on ends meat.  You go to work and then go on the computer and play all day.  Look at your cousin _____. SHe's went to school. Making 40-50 dollars an hour. She's skinny and pretty.  All you do is play and lazy!"

Well let's just end there.. Can't argue with that cause half of it is true... My friends and relative told me I should of stand up for my feelings.. but.. how can I??? That's all he knows.. how to communicate.. He's not american he's an old skool asian father..   I looked at him and thought to myself " SOrry dad you think that i basically ruined my life. which i probably did.  but Im going to be a mother soon. I don't have much to offer everyone around me. I have a son perharps he will love me and I will be there for him like the way you weren't there for me."  I wish he can see me for me. That I'm not in the dumps. i don't do drugs.. I'm not sleeping around.. I have a great husband. but... as long as I'm not productive about my life these shit don't matter because all he sees is that im not making money....

I didn't cry. No he's been saying that since high school... I felt undeserved of love.  I felt as t hough everything I believed as a christian wasn't for me.. I disappoint God like the way I disappoint my father.. I hated myself..
I just wanted this baby out and give him to someone who can take better care of him and just die...
I wanted my husband to comfort me with truth but it was so unbearable because he's been so busy with work that he was barely home and when he was home I was at work..
For most of the days in August this killed me and I just brokedown and wepted to my husband..

with me nothing can be compromised.. giving birth is one thing but being a mother????
I felt as though I don't have many friends anymore. but when it comes to friends who want me to get them into
disneyland they appear and then disappear.. everytime i get them in they loook happy and then I watch their backs happily march away.. then i don't hear from them..  i feel void....

My friend crystal has been talking to me again she lived right down the street.. i find myself wanted a friend so bad that I want to hang out with them everyday so i can feel good about myself.. there's still this void.. i'm so scared of disappointing people and God.. I have a baby inside of me..
I don't have alot of friends in Riverside and not alot of people is coming to my other baby shower but that doesn't matter...

Feeling as though life took me by surprise after the last day of work on september 11... No more metro train!!! i can rested for a month and focus more on the baby!! The next day I read on my bulletin that Metro Link in chatworth crashed into a freight train and injured at least 100 people and left 25 people dead.... it was everywhere on the news..!!!! You see for the last 9 months I been riding that train and everything it wasn't my train going to the O.C to the riverside area saddens my heart.   Everyday I would depend on commuting back and forth.  There was endless days and nights that I would want it to be overwith.  I did question about my safety on the train, but hey I figured it should be safe and fast.  My last day on the train I did reexamine the emergency windows how it will pop up in case of emergency it can release. There were first aid kit in the center level and an ax in the bottom level.  I thought to myself Metrolink had it really secure and safe for many passenger to aboard.  But little did I know or expected that two train could collide into eachother!!  These people who commute from 8-5 everyday (like me) would go on and about their life depending on the train. Without word or notice they were aboard their ticket to a deathy defying experience.  I can't imagine that happening to me or my fellow castmemebers at work. I mean it'll be strange enough that you won't see that person riding and chattign wtih you.  There's nothing  I can do. This is still a shock to me. I can't donate blood.  I would in a heartbeat. I've donated blood at least 6 times in my life.  It happened and can't changed much something needs to be done.

Last moment and thoughts of me...
I been getting painful contractions lately.. it hurts!!! at the same time i'm scared but then again I want him here so he can make me a better person.. I'm such a loser at least that's how i feel most of the time..
I know I'm not living for me anymore.. why am I so scared.. worrying about me does no good..its no fairy tale..
this is going to really happen its not a myth.. its true i am pregnant... silly as it sounds...
my life is going to change... that i already know..

 All of you are invited to my baby shower.


For Orange County Residents/L.A.


My sisters are planning a babyshower this saturday on the 16th for the O.C. area. This was really a surprised to me because its kind of late notice and if you want to come please let me know by thursday. If my little sister Linda has contacted you and you haven't answered her yet let me know asap as well. I would love to see old friends and family again :) My belly is growing really big.
I can't believe I'm going to be a mom!
Bring Diapers!!! starts at 1pm

I am registered under Target. com for baby registry
nancy doherty

this is the location where the baby shower will be in Garden Grove

9352 imperial ave
Garden Grove Ca 92844


My mother in law also wants to throw me a baby shower as well and I'm planning that one for Corona/Riverside friends and family and that will soon be announced for September once I can contact my mother in law.

the moment i been waiting for.. falling in love with my baby!
David and I was told from a church member that there's a place called Fetal Focus at the Riverside Mall 
that they do basic sonograms for 30 or 60 dollars! so David and I took the chance and canceled our Doctors appointment!!!
SO the day had come. I made sure I ate before our appointment and so did David! I was so anxious to know what my baby is so I can call it by name!! I didn't even hesitate when the technician ask me if we wanted to know what the sex was............ she determined it quickly and saw its weeny!!!
here's our baby! the last time i saw our baby through a sonogram was back in february when it was a peanut.. but oh man it feels so good to see how big it grew!!!  The technician took alot of pictures but the package came with only 2 photos to choose from! Mommy and daddy made sure we picked the best picture for our baby bear.. We get to watch 10minutes of our baby!  We saw his legs! Spine! Weeny again just to make sure and verify his gender! He was opening his mouth! He made a fist! He was rolling on his back! Just like Momy!!






our baby was moving alot! This a perfect picture of the baby's side profile.. its really detailed.. you can tell the face, nose, mouth and so on the body..

oh yeah and this one was my favorite!!


look at that! My baby was looking straight at the camera posing! Don't you see his hand placed underneath its chin? He's a poser hehe! YOu can see the eyes! Nose! and lil bit of the mouth.. he's so precious!

I can't believe this is our baby! how beautiful he is!! my lovely Elijah....Doherty!

 i wanted to know what my baby is... i just can't put a name to his/her...
i wanted to know.... i thought my nurse said we can see the ultra sound today but it'll have to wait in 2weeks..
and on the mean time i'm so annoyed with people asking me what the gender is.. I want to smack them..
I been so annoyed lately.. please don't piss me off
plus my husband's ppo is lame.. i have to pay 250 up front to see my baby in 2weeks..
well i'm going to sign up for medical and healthy families.. we both need it..
i don't tink i'll be working after the baby is here..
on the good news my mother in law wants to do a babyshower for me in august in corona
and in Orange County my sisters will set up the baby shower there :D
man oh man i am really fat now

love black and white photos..











i am really excited...

 

This is Main Street's Fruit Cart and I work in FantasyLand's Fruit Cart ( I just couldn't find FL)... ITs pretty nice.. 
Surely enough alot of Guest buys healthy snacks.. wow...

oh oh you never guess who I saw last umm.. wednesday or thursday!!!! it was around 1 or so.. and I saw someone how looked really familiar that I used to admire in one of my favorite sitcom shows. ... Full HOuse...
Have Mercy!  John Stamos came up to the fruit Cart and bought a red apple and waterbottle from my stand!!





he had gray hair!!! and i touched him when I gave him back his change!!

oh and in the past I've seen a few others celebrity at the disneyland Park..


he's from The Sandlot.. He's much older now but he's still looks the same!
He was waiting in my line to buy a coffee when I was working at Tomorrow Land Terrace..
I also caught him smoking by the Castmember Backstage..

and this lady right here Brooke Dilman


you may not recognized her but I used to be a Fan of "Who's Line is it anyway?"
She worked with Wayne Brady on the Wayne Brady Show.. 
She was also in the Jeff Fox Worthy show " Blue Collar TV" 
recently I saw her in a Reddi Whip commercial...
Yeah she was in my line ordering a veggie burger at tommorowland terrace..

and back in 2003 i saw John Ritter and his family going into the park... it was at least 1month before his death..
I remember seeing his little daughter and wife.. but I don't think I've seen the boys with them at that moment,...



okay anyways... that's a lil blog for you.. i get a lil excited..

 

all this talk of celebrities is getting boring.. i wanted to get back to the point of the Fruit Cart..
I LOVE IT!!
I thought it would of been stressful.. the last few days its been hot.. hot and cool.. 
and you know the fruit cart sells pickles!! i love them pickles.. so the other day when I was going home or was eating one I decided to look up  recipes on how to make pickles!!

hehehe..hey i'm pregnant.. now i'm allowed to say I like to eat weird things, but if you already know me I do eat weird things!

INGREDIENTS

• 12 3 to 4 inch long pickling cucumbers
• 2 cups water
• 1 3/4 cups white vinegar
• 1 1/2 cups chopped fresh dill weed
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 8 cloves garlic, chopped
• 1 1/2 tablespoons coarse salt
• 1 tablespoon pickling spice
• 1 1/2 teaspoons dill seed
• 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes, or to taste
• 4 sprigs fresh dill weed

DIRECTIONS

____________________________________________________________taken from allrecipes.com


my baby is growing again and its been bugging me... I can see the size of my stretch reaching its limits... 
Today I am 17weeks!! I'm like a week from feeling him/her (hopefully him) move..  my mom told me the other day that my breast are huge. She was wondering how much weight I've gain.. I've only gained 6lbs MOther!!  
oh well.. for now I have self issues.. but my body is not mine...

My friend Tricia's boyfriend Billy father is Dying.. and he has one week to live.. he has pneumonia.. So pray for Billy because he knows the last few days will be cherished.. and that God will bless him family.. and for Tricia to be a supportive girlfriend and that being there for Billy is what can do in these times..

David's grandmother has been dead for a few weeks now.. The Doherty family hasn't come together yet.. They pushed the date till the 10th of this month... I don't know to do there because I don't really know this woman personally.. Just on what my husband been telling me about her...  I'm pretty sure this will be the first time I get to meet my other sister in law that's been avoiding my father in law for a few years.. I just hope when we all come together that the focus is on her. NOt on the situation with the family stuff... I hope she's in heaven right now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I in the other head haven't been going to church in 2weeks.. once again the baby has taken up the strength of my body.. i'm reallly exhausted by 1:30 in the afternoon.. I am so glad that Schduling at disney finally adjusted my hours! 
I love working at FantasyLand Fruit Cart.. I'm going to be 5months next week.. SO i'll have to becareful of what I say because the baby will hear it.. I woke up distracted by the bills David and I have to pay.. 

Gas Company
Hospital Bills
Credit Cards
Dumb Ticket I got at the train station

all I can think of is buying food and making pickles..

ugh..
i'm hungry..